I love John Lennon.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

My handsome man friend made me brunch this morning. What a lovely Sabbath!

Wise words from a man I admire.

Playing Hooky.

Yesterday, I ditched class. I have missed my accounting class only twice this semester, and that was to go live life (I am impressed with my attendance!). First was the second day of accounting class of the semester, to go to Disneyland for 48 hours with my family. Second was yesterday, I went to the Little Sahara sand dunes with my friend T.Jay. I am glad I went, we had a great time! It's December, and I cannot believe how beautiful the day was. It was fabulous to get out there in the great wide open and enjoy being outdoors. We were slowed down most of the day by the company that Kyle, T.Jay's friend, had brought with him but near the end of the day,T.Jay took me for a quick ride before the sun went down, we rode to the top of Sand Mountain. It was beautiful, the sunset was absolutely gorgeous. We were the only people at the dunes that day, which was kind of eerie, but the views were breath-taking and it was very neat to see the sand dunes so empty. What a fantastic way to spend a Monday.

 Sometimes it's more important to go out and live life rather than attend lecture. 

Babies?

I have always been terrified of having children.
Always.

I still am.

In fact, I don't like many kids.

In Utah, when you are Mormon and married, the pressure to have children is incredible. Even now, I am divorced and it still blows people's minds that I didn't bare any kiddos while being married for those 2.75 years. Don't get me wrong, I want a family... eventually. But lately, more than ever, I have had a small, I mean small desire to have a baby, but it's there. Maybe it's because the guy I am kind of dating would be an awesome father? It is weird. It happened when I went to Disneyland in August as well. I guess you could say I am growing up? Maybe. I am not about to run out and have that guy impregnate me. I am really not ready to have children, plus I rather have babies while married- that would be ideal for me. I think I am just... I don't know. Maturing? Starting to look forward to having babies rather than be absolutely scared out of my wits? Meh.. Who knows. It's weird to me, but I guess it's good, but it's even kinda weird to admit these feelings but I had to get it off my chest. I can't be with a guy and speak my mind, because I do, I say most things that cross my mind, and then I would find myself saying something like "Man, it's been weird, but I want a baby." I think he would get the wrong idea.

Wisdom from Trash TV.

"There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us choose to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead." 

- One Tree Hill 

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path? Will others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward. Or to simply give up. 

- One Tree Hill 

Did I really just quote one of those television shows I will probably never ever watch? I think so.

Moving On.

Some of the best advice I have ever heard wasn't even directed to me, but it is so applicable to my life, as well as everyone else's we should all follow it. That advice is "Get Uncomfortable." So many times I find myself comfortable with what I am doing work-wise, learning-wise, spiritually, physically, my surroundings, who I associate with. And then it strikes me, yes, I am happy, but, I am capable of so much more, and I crave progress and change. Then it is time to get uncomfortable. My sister's boyfriend shared this "motto" with her while serving his mission in Eugene, Oregon. It has made a great impact in my life. I decided to get out of my fabulous work that I loved and enjoyed at the dental office to go back and finish my degree in culinary arts. I knew I was going to take a MASSIVE pay-cut  lose my benefits, I was going to have to move to a new city, I was going to have to pay tuition and start working in an environment I wasn't so pleased with. But I bit the bullet and dove right in, if my former fiance did anything positive to change my life, this was it. He encouraged me to move forward and learn and grow and accomplish the goals I had set for myself years prior. I wish I could have had the same impact on his life, he is an individual who is sitting ultra comfortably in life with no willingness to take a step back to leap forward. He seems to have an incredibly hard time moving on. He has lived in Ogden all but maybe 13 months out of his 33 years, he lives insanely close to his mom, he is struggling moving on past our relationship although it ended at the beginning of July (that was almost five months ago, folks!), he wants to get his PhD. but won't move from Ogden, he limits his career options because he is not willing to move, and he is trying to live as if he were still in college. I am not criticizing him, but I never want to be stuck in a rut like this. I truly hope the best for the guy and that he can find the strength to move forward with his life and not be scared to chase his dreams (except for me, thank you, let go of that dream). Trust me, I have been stuck in my ruts, hell, I still am stuck in a couple, but as long as we are putting forth the effort to move forward and trying hard to overcome. Do you have a dream that you are too scared to fulfill? Well my friend, let us both jump with both feet forward towards our bigger, brighter futures. 

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

 -Scott Peck

Attitude.

"Throughout the years of your life you will face many challenges, remember that you can climb the highest mountain, drive through the roughest storm, soar across the bluest sky, or even sail across the roughest waters. It is only destined by your attitude where you will end up in life." 

-Angela Duvall

LOTR

‎"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken: the crownless again shall be king."

I love this quote, I almost quoted part of it in a talk in church once- true story. I am madly obsessed with The Lord of the Rings and J.R.R. Tolkien, and also throw Peter Jackson in there for putting it together on film. 

I am soooo excited for The Hobbit to hit theaters next month!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I find these words are deep, meaningful, and beautiful. This is easily one of my favorite quotes of all time. 

I wander, but I am not lost; for I am just strengthening my roots.

One more LOTR quote... for the road, or good measure, or just because...

"I wish none of this had happened." 
"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
-Frodo and Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring

2010

2010 was a very difficult year in my life.
I lived far away from family and friends, my ex-husband and I made really poor life choices, my marriage crumbled, I watched my dog get killed, I got disfellowshipped from my church, my (ex)husband asked for a divorce, my parents kinda kicked me out of their house, my brothers left for two years, I didn't get to see my cousin/best friend get married. It was hard. I remember laying on my parent's kitchen floor crying on Christmas because I felt so alone. (It was actually kind of ridiculous)

But one of the best things I have done for myself happened in 2010: 
I bought my hiking boots.

Hiking is obviously one of my favorite pastimes, my friend Peter calls it "marching," (I love that!) and it's also been referred to as "trudging." Today I went hiking, it happened to be a beautiful, November day, the temps were in the high fifties, mid sixties. On my way up the trail, I heard a guy, probably close to my age, shout "What now, bitches?!" from atop the mountain. That is how I feel when I conquer a mountain, I just laughed and smiled, because I can certainly relate to those sentiments. While hiking, I love looking around me and just take in the beauty of the Earth, I feel closer to the Lord, I have a clear mind, vitamin D, exercise, can you say endorphins?! This is my favorite time to think about my life, make future plans or formulate ideas, think about what is currently going on, sort issues out, blow off some steam. Hiking is incredibly healthy, not just for physical reasons, but mental reasons as well. It has helped me in so many ways, sure, my legs are looking good, but I am also learning who I am, my strengths, my weaknesses, my capabilities, it helps me push myself and challenge myself and test my endurance. I am enjoying my solitude, it taught me I am okay to do things on my own, and proves to myself that I can go do the things I want to and love to do without anyone's approval.
I won't forget about the experiences of 2010, but I have forgiven myself for the occurrences that took place, and better yet, I learned a lot from those trials and mistakes. And like a good hike, I am still climbing to a better, more impressive place.
So guess what, if I can conquer a mountain; I can conquer my trials, my temptations, and my vices.
Here is to a better life!

Another thing I miss.

You know what I miss? (Sure, sure, plenty of things)
But this is what I miss right now:

Hosting dinner parties.
I want to host dinner parties. Lots 'n lots of them.

Mental Illness

I can't say I ever judged people with mental illnesses, but I never really took the time to imagine what it would be like to ever have a mental illness. I never really had much of a reason to think too much about it, my immediate family is pretty healthy mentally; and I never thought I had any seriously problems, in fact, I still don't, even though I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. I know, I thought only people who have near-death experiences or those soldiers/veterans who go to war get PTSD.

No worries though, this mental illness is just a piece of who I am, it does not define me. If anything, I want to reach out and help others dealing with issues the eye can't see.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

-Plato

Bucket Lists and whatnot.

When I was younger, I would write tons and tons of bucketlists and lists of goals and stash them under my dresser. I wish I could find them, I would love to see what kind of things were on them. I remember things like "Get a college degree," "Make a quilt," "Get my Young Women's Recognition Award." But I would love to see all the items on these lists. I read over my cousin Celeste's Life List when she shared it on her blog a couple weeks ago, and I was not surprised to find we had many similar items, but it was not without things that make us completely different. I was hesitant to share mine with the world, but, I doubt the world reads this. So, here is my list of things I want to do/learn/see as of May 2012...

• Learn to kayak
• See a musical on Broadway
• Learn conversational Spanish (more than the kitchen Spanglish I know--pleeeeease)
• Build a cabinet or piece of furniture
• Go deep sea fishing
• Take a train trip (there is one my ex and I talked about doing through "Copper Canyon" in Mexico, it's supposedly one of the most scenic train trips in the world, but of course, Europe beckons as well, Switzerland!)
• Learn a musical instrument, ie. the cello. (Sorry 6 years of piano, I have failed you)
• Blow glass
• Finish culinary school (ohhhhh once this semester is oveeeeeeeeeer, FINALLY)
• Complete a Bachelor's degree in something I love 
• Run a race
• Make another quilt
• Take a class on Eastern Religion
• Riverboat Ride on the Mississippi
• Canopy tour a jungle
• Learn a favorite song on the guitar
• Eat clam chowder in New England
• Go sailing
• Certify in scuba
• Provide Christmas for a family in need
• Plant my own garden
• Etch glass
• Become a home owner (it's the American dream, right?)
• Learn to weld
• Go surfing, in the ocean (wake surfed, made me crave more!)
• Visit all 50 states ( I believe I only have around 17, not even half way!)
• Do a session in every Utah temple 
• Visit the Greek Isles
• Try rock climbing/repelling
• See Machu Picchu
• Hone my archery skills
• Visit the top ten art museums in the world
• Try skydiving, base jumping, or bungee jumping (soooo cliche, but it'll get you out of your comfort zone!)
• Take a yoga class
• Learn a dying art
• Adopt a dog
• Go on a humanitarian trip
• Visit Europe
• Start a "Small Eateries and Diners of Utah" blog

Well, I better get busy, or rich, or both.

Regarding Honesty.

I couldn't agree more.

I am finding a geek.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/66795671.html

I am SOLD, I blogged once about dating nerds... but, ohhh it is on!
That article is fabulous as well. Read it.

"What is your major?"

Remember how I declared a major recently? Well, don't be surprised... but it's changed. I reread over my bucket list/life-list/list of goals a week or two ago and read the words:

"Get a Bachelor's degree in something I love."

I have been so concerned with just getting my bachelor's, that I have stopped caring what it is in. And geography? Yes, I like geography, but I wouldn't say I love it. I think I first started changing it to make more money, but GEOGRAPHY? What kind of big money is there to earn in the field of geography? Right... That is why I no longer fear getting my degree in what I love: art. Yes, art. One of the most useless degrees ever. But I have had a strong impression to go into graphic design, which is great, because I could get an actual, money-making career out of that degree. But guess what? Weber doesn't offer a degree in graphic design. (this doesn't surprise me... I am loving, loving Weber State, but they don't really offer many degrees in which I am interested.) So, the tentative plan: move to Salt Lake in April/May when my contract is up, and transfer to the University of Utah, where I have known for a while that I would end up. I am excited about this. I promised myself I would stay in one place for a year, because I have moved 12+ times in the last five years or so. BUT I AM SO EXCITED.

Who knows anyway, maybe next week I will want to be a plumber..
Esta bien... and I would be a great plumber.

Oh, my mom is pretty stoked that I changed my mind to graphic design.
A) because it is "more fitting" and I already know that I love art
B) she is thoroughly convinced I should go into advertising and marketing. She think I am creative and clever, and so she is happy because this is "a step in the right direction" and getting closer to what she thinks I should do. Mother knows best after all.

On Hiking 'n Stuff.

"What are men to rocks and mountains?"

-Jane Austen

You know what? I have been out hiking the trail systems of Ogden like mad, I am absolutely in love with hiking. I have always liked it, but it has grown way beyond that "liking". I love it. It is all about me being surrounded with Mother Nature and God's beautiful earth. It is honestly where I am at my best and where I can get a natural and spiritual high. I find peace in hiking, I love the solitude that comes along with just being out on the trail or mountain on my own. I am learning a lot about myself, learning some of my strengths, improving my weaknesses, and shaping up my awesome calve muscles I was extremely self-conscience about in high school. My calves were a part of my body that I have never loved, until recently. I was teased and called "man-calves" because of how large they were. I was weird about wearing shorts and skirts and whatevers, but now, I want to show those babies off for they have been sculpted. Just another mini-bonus of hiking.
Summary of the post: I love hiking. I once hated my calves, which I don't hate anymore. And I love puppies and wish I had three of them and I would take them hiking with me. And how come I always forget what I intend to write about when I blog? Perhaps it's because I get distracted so easily. Gosh, I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The end.

Paulo is right you know...

On home and leaving town.

I was suppose to work today. I realllllly dislike working Sunday's. I like to have the day off so I can travel to my folk's home and spend time together as a family. With the recent news, this has become more important and I dare say, vital, for me to be able to do. Because I am not sure how life is ever going to play out, I need to make sure I prioritize in life. And in doing so, that puts family first. Today was wonderful, because the sous chef worked it so that I could have the day off to spend with my family, especially my mommy. I have incredible coworkers. Anyway, I went home, to my gorgeous valley, my country town where most of my growing up happened, to my folk's home. I spent the afternoon and evening with them, laughing, eating, then some time with Moo making caramel apples and "buckeyes." It was a great Sabbath day, one I really needed after learning about my mom's cancer. I love spending time with my family, I always have. My sister and her family should be coming out from Kentucky for a few weeks around Christmastime. I am so excited to have the whole family together again, it will have been almost two and a half years since we have all been together. Micheaux hasn't seen Colten and Braydon since they have returned from their LDS missions, and so the boys haven't met her two youngest children. It will be a beautiful reunion.
When I was leaving to return to my home tonight, I put an old mixed CD in and I was filled with a flood of nostalgia when I heard Dexter Freebish's "Leaving Town" start playing. I sometimes make moments for myself in life, so when I moved to college my freshman year, I played that song during my Hoytsville-exodus. I was so excited to leave town, move on, love a new place. I was tired of my hometown, I was ready for something new. In the words of the song, I had "lost all (my) feelings for this town."

"Oh your reputation is so golden

You're never lonely and you're never home

I know you've been talking about leaving

You've lost all your feelings for this town.

Paint your nails and put your lipstick

You don't want to miss your ticket out.

Just because you graduate from school

So high in the gene pool that's your point of view."

 Now, it is truly a treasure to go home. I look forward to visits, I love visiting. It's "home," and it always will be. I have found myself running back to that town, maybe not to stay put for long, but to seek comfort in a small town where everyone knows you and loves you for who you are.

"Nothing in life will ever come that easy.

Doesn't mean it has to be that hard.

I know you will find out who you are

But when you're broke and down and no one else is around.

You'll come running back to this town and

I'll be there, yeah I'll be there."

Confession: until recently, I thought I knew who I was. False. I knew pieces of who I am, and it's a question to me as to if I will ever FULLY realize just who I am. I like to think I will. Everyday I am learning more and more about what actually makes me, me. What do I like? What do I want to do? Am I doing and believing and saying things because that is what I want, think, and feel? Or am I doing it to make someone else happy?  I have been doing some serious thinking ever since I called off my engagement. I want to make sure I love myself fully, to be 100% comfortable in my own skin before I run off and get married to somebody. To accomplish my goals, and not drop everything I love, to accommodate somebody else. This is me-time. This is where I learn about me, what makes me tick, what drives me, and to find what I want from this life I have been given. 

So, pardon me while I figure myself out.

October: Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I love that we have a month dedicated to becoming aware of breast cancer. I hate cancer. I appreciate it when I see the football players wearing pink in support of breast cancer awareness, I see campaigns on campus, ads online, bracelets that say things about saving boobies. I love that.

Today I became aware.

My day was going well, I got up this morning, curled my hair, went to class looking absolutely adorable. Had a date planned for tonight, came home, worked on homework. Date got postponed. My mommy called to tell me she had been diagnosed with breast cancer.. typical day. Wait! My mom has breast cancer?!? She found out earlier today and I am sick. Actually there isn't much I can do, but that is MY mom. I truly do not know what to think. I need to straighten out my life, that is all I know. Life is too short, too fragile. My mom is the most incredible mom I know. Call me biased, whatever. My mom has ALWAYS been there for me. She carried me for nine months, was there when I was born (hahaha, gotta keep things light), she did my hair super cute every single day all through childhood, she made me delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, was always home when I came home from school. She helped me with campaigning for student body office when I was in high school, took my friends and I toilet papering, always had dinner made, taught me how to treat men in my life (the positive things), she would take us shopping, made sure we always had nice things. She drove out to Laramie when she found out I was getting a divorce, let me move back into her and my daddy's home when I did get a divorce, she lets me call when my day sucks or will listen when I have fun things going on. She invited me to move back in when all my siblings get married and I am still single, ha ha. Even during this phone call, she broke the news to me but made sure to ask how things were with a boy I am crushing on. I love my mom. I hate cancer. I hope all will be well and she can fight this. 
Last year, my dad got diagnosed with colon cancer, I went and saw him everyday in the hospital after his surgery and while he was there. I love my parents, they are wonderful people. I would ask 'why', but there are no answers and certainly no relief in asking 'why,' just anger and bitterness. Keep my mom in your prayers please, this is MY mommy we are talking about.

Please spread and support breast cancer awareness this month, this is my personal, close-to-home, request.

Sharing Compliments

Today I received a wonderful compliment. My Canadian friend from accounting told me after class: "You are always so classy, you wear dresses and skirts and always look good. I just wear t-shirts and shorts, I feel lazy." He was super sweet in saying so, I strive to look classy, well and be classy in general. I explained to him that I like dressing up, because at work, I don't get to look cute and "classy," I just wear t-shirts and checkered chef pants. It really made my day for him to say that to me, plus it is nice to know that men think such kind things. 

I try to always share compliments that I think to myself, because you never know who's day you are going to make! (Or who you will weird out- haha) One of my neighbors said to me in passing last week, "Gosh, you have beautiful hair! I wish I could grow my hair that long, wow, beautiful hair.." It was completely unexpected but certainly appreciated and welcomed. She and I have never exchanged conversation. When I walk by and actually see her, she is usually in her Honda jamming out to Metallica or Slayer with her electric guitar, sitting in the drivers seat. It really brightened my day. Compliments from strangers are the best, because they are sincere and not expected or forced. Just from the heart.

Go out and share some kind, sincere thoughts and compliments people! Let's spread some joy and love to those who need it or don't expect it.

Doin' it anyway!

You know what? I have always wanted to do/try a whole slew of different things. But alas, I have been waiting around for a friend or boyfriend who would want to do them with me. Wellllll guess what? I am yet to do/try a myriad of the things I have wanted to. Nothing is stopping me now. This week alone: I ate Indian alone, because I have been wanting it. I went for a drive up the canyon to see all the beautiful colors of fall: because I wanted to. I went for a gorgeous hike up Ogden Canyon this morning before work, because I love hiking and seeing this amazing change of seasons and this spectacular Earth that our Father in Heaven has graciously blessed us with. Alllllll byyyyyy myself. As stupid as this may sound: I am proud of myself for just going and doing it alone. I have ALWAYS had someone to do things with me, until now. And that is okay, I am just glad I am finally realizing that I am excellent company and that I should spend more time (besides reading books, watching movies, and listening to music on my own), but that I should spend more time going out with myself. I am such a dork, but I am dating me. Why not? I am hot and and I am great company. I win.
Oh besides doing these fantastic things just for me, I also spoiled myself this week. I bought a new Nalgene bottle, which I am ridiculously stoked about, and I bought a gorgeous orange/powder blue cushioned bench to put at the foot of my bed. Did I need the second item? NO. Do I absolutely love and adore it? YES. Could I say no to the amazing clearance price it had on it? Probably, BUT I DIDN'T. I love it. And I truly did need the water bottle.
On a sad note, I think my iPod gave up the ghost today. At least it went out while listening to Simon and Garfunkel  Ideal fall time driving music.
Oh! One last thing I did for myself this week: I read a book! I love reading, and lately I haven't been reading for pleasure. My dad asked me recently if I have been reading like I use to, I had to tell him no. I think my folks are concerned about me giving up things that I love to do. So I am happy to report I read a book this week!! On a topic I enjoy learning about: Serial Killers. Call me weird, but I like to learn about their minds and what drives them to do what they do. I read a book a guy in my ward let me borrow: "Manson, In His Own Words" next is "Helter Skelter" or "Fast Food Nation," because food and nutrition are more positive, uplifting interests of mine. Hahaha

So next on the list:

• Start living my bucket list! Get somethings checked off.
• Look into purchasing a new iPod. (Christmas is coming.... hmmmm. I can justify this.)
• Read more books! 
• Go on another hike or two before it snows, and enjoy the hell out of fall.
• Continue loving life.

Beautiful girls.

Chick flicks..

Must Love Dogs = my life. Kinda. But seriously.

I have been on this ridiculous kick of watching chick flicks. I love them. But they are not realistic, although they make you feel good... And lousy, all at the same time. Incredible.

"The Only Thing You Can Change"

I stole this from a link my friend put on Facebook (disclaimer!) and found it moving. (It is uncopyrighted, by the way.)

http://mnmlist.com/

The Only Thing You Can Change

You can’t change your entire life.

You can only change your next action.
—
You can’t change a relationship with a loved one.

You can only change your next interaction.
—
You can’t change your entire job.

You can only change your next task.
—
You can’t change your body composition.

You can only change your next meal.
—
You can’t change your fitness level.

You can only start moving.
—
You can’t declutter your entire life.

You can only choose to get rid of one thing, right now.
—
You can’t eliminate your entire debt.

You can only make one payment, or buy one less unnecessary item.
—
You can’t change the past, or control the future.

You can only change what you’re doing right now.
—
You can’t change everything.

You can only change one, small thing.

And that’s all it takes.

Nice and Easy

Let's take it nice and easy
It's gonna be so easy
For us to fall in love

Hey baby what's your hurry
Relax and don't you worry
We're gonna fall in love

We're on the road to romance - that's safe to say
But let's make all the stops along the way

The problem now of course is
To simply hold your horses
To rush would be a crime
'Cause nice and easy does it every time
Nice and Easy by Frank Sinatra


I have been following this advice of "Nice and Easy" ever since I heard this song on Pandora. I am super impatient and try to rush my life along quickly all too often, sometimes it's best I remember to take it nice and easy to also relax and don't worry. Frank Sinatra is amazing and one of my favorites, I oftentimes will put Sinatra on at work and enjoy his pleasant crooning voice along with the other voices of the Rat Pack, especially Dean Martin. 
Croooooon me silly, baby. For now, I am doing my best to slow down and take it easy. 
Breathe, girl.

Advice from Bob.

“Let it happen, let it happen … we don't make mistakes, as you know. All we do is have happy accidents in our world. So the worst thing that can happen here is wonderful. Don't worry about it ... don't worry about it …” 

–Bob Ross, 1994

On Dave Grohl.

I once gave up an opportunity to see my amazing, celebrity boyfriend David Grohl perform with the Foo Fighters, to go on a date. 

NEVER AGAIN.

Now the Foo Fighters, who have been performing together for 18 years, are on a hiatus. Great. Any man who would have been worth it, would have gone with me or encouraged me to go to the concert.

I am going to be true to myself from now on.... No more giving up opportunities to see great bands for...

 "a guy."

Hi, I'm on a date.

..... With myself. I was taught in the rules of being alone to go on dates by myself, or to dinner or basically whatever you choose to call it. So here I sit, at The Star of India in Salt Lake City, in solitude. Not to mention it's a quarter to three. Weird time, I am aware. Well this whole situation may seem weird, but I am enjoying the solitude. Today, I am walking home from school and I decided I am getting Indian food, why? Because I love it! My former fiancé was not a fan (although he had pretended to be in our first conversations). I am single, I love Indian, this meal is prepaid... What do I have to lose? Nothing. I'd probably be doing nothing productive anyway- let's be honest! I managed to get my homework finished early today, I had the day off, I went and sought academic advisement. It's been a good Monday! I saw several friends, one I haven't seen since high school, he was kind, said I looked really good and that "the years have been kind to me." What a compliment!! The weather is gorgeous, I'm happy and healthy. I am declaring a major! (I know, I seem to change this a lot...) I am still studying nutrition, but Weber only offers a minor so that is my minor, but I am getting a degree in geography with an emphasis in environmental studies. Why? Read a book by Michael Pollan and then ask me again. I want to encourage sustainable and humane growing and raising of the food that ends up on your table. (plus I really need to finish my bachelors and it seems fitting- at least in my mind, which no one can argue and win against). Especially since I have been considering it for a while. So, I am not ditching my focus in nutrition, it's there. But I finally decided on an actual, existing major (one that I don't have to "create"). I think. Fickle, much?

Well, The Star of India is DELICIOUS and I plan on returning and sharing with others. I had chicken vindaloo, PLENTY for enjoying later. Nan was wonderful, and the chai... Mmm. And the vegetable pakoras... although this is the best way to ruin the nutritional value of vegetables: ohhhhhh yummmmmmy. I would certainly recommend it.

After some delicious food, I drove over to Taylorsville to visit my Gramps, Grandpa T. He lives in assisted living due to his severe condition of Alzheimer's Disease. He has no idea who I am, but I felt good by visiting him because sometimes I am super selfish and this is a good way to step out of my comfort zone and "serve" others. I took him some treats because he loves to eat. I miss my gramps, especially his mind. He has taught me a lot in life, how to garden and love to eat fresh vegetables out of the garden, to love to read, he gave me one of my favorite books of all time, Mystery Mountain, which I wrote SEVERAL book reports on. He loved my grandma so very much and served her and let us grandchild witness his love and service to her. Their love is/was sweet and one to be admired. I want to achieve incredible milestones that they achieved  such as having a close family, spending 50+ years of marriage, having a beautiful home and yard. :) Anyway, I love my family and sure appreciate the examples they have all set for me and my life.

To Thine Own Self Be True... And to others also.

I am learning why some folks are so bitter and angry. People are jerks. Most everyone has a little bit of douche-baggery inside of them. I can certainly admit that I do. But here is something,
I love this: Tell someone you like them.
In turn, they play with your emotions and use your feelings to their advantage. Oh wait, I don't think ANYONE likes that.
People, let's be honest with ourselves and others. If you have no intention of dating them, perhaps it's best to let them know and let them go. Because no one likes being used. (well, there are always exceptions to the rule)
I have had to do this more than I would like, but I seem to attract many people I wouldn't consider dating seriously. Rude? Maybe, but I am just saying what everyone else is feeling. It's not easy to tell someone you are not interested, but it must be done. Let us all open up our most honest lines of communication with one another.

And as for being used, let us refer to the old saying...
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're an ass."

Or something along those lines.. Smile on, world and let your hearts be filled with kindness despite how other people may not appreciate you for the kind, loving person you are. There are others who will actually appreciate such a trait.

Girl Noise.

I love my life. I hate accounting.
I have a really hard time making myself do accounting homework. But you know what is awesome? No, and I am sure you are just dying to find out. Just kidding. My friend, the ice cream-kisser, and I went to the movies last night. He has made an effort to see me three times this week (not counting the random run-ins on campus- because those require zero effort). This is awesome, because I realllllly enjoy his company. Right now he is in California because he is playing football against U.C. Davis tomorrow, so I don't get to see him until Sunday. I called my mom the other day to tell her of this newest interest, she is happy for me and is glad I am going out on dates with a large variety of guys. Yes, I of course have my favorites... buuuuut, if you can try them all while single, why wouldn't you? For having such an anti-social work schedule, I have managed to go on several dates this week. I have another "date" tonight, which will be stellar, it is with a great friend whom of which enjoys classic rock as much as I do. We met five years ago down at UVSC, I stole his roommate's Led Zeppelin poster, we have been friends since. I have tickets to the Australian Pink Floyd show tonight at USANA amphitheater so I invited him (this may or may not be the fourth time I have seen this show--- oh wait, it is. I LOVE IT.) Wow, this is such girl-chatter, there is no point, no subject, no sense. I just am happy, and dating a lot? Which is good. Yes. Yes, this is good.

Well, back to the 7 massive assignments I have due by Monday for one, single accounting class.

Factoid.

I saw my friend last night, we kissed over ice cream at Baskin Robbins. Did you know Barack and Michelle Obama shared their first kiss at Baskin Robbins? ...if you watched The View today, you would know that.

Keep Pushin'

I hate when I work super hard on something only to throw it away in ten minutes time.
Well, back at it. I WILL triumph.

On the positive side: leaves are changing, the mountains are gorgeous. I should go for a drive. The weather is cooling down: I absolutely love fall.
Last year I went on an incredible drive with my friend Chris, who lives in Alaska. We drove up to Smith and Morehouse with the convertible top down, singing along to John Denver. It was amazing.
I need a little bit of that.

Practice what you preach.

Ugggggggggh. Sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite.
I am letting people dictate my emotions, and why? I do not know. People are jerks, be open and honest with one another. Pleeeeeease. Especially when emotions are involved. I try to always be honest with how I feel, think, act but sometimes, I find I am not being honest. Especially with myself.

I want to punch a subwoofer and release the rage!* Or watch Sleepless in Seattle and allow myself to express emotion by tears. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh. I really should just paint, that would be both constructive and healthy.
If you are going to be in my life- be honest and forward, dammit! I would much rather someone tell me straight to my face that they aren't interested rather than toy with emotions or ignore me. Emotions are not playthings.





*I once punched (or maybe I kicked it- I can't remember) a subwoofer.
It. Was. Incredible.
I felt actual relief after doing so.

Being Alone.

Tonight, I am alone. While many of my peers are at parties, at Homecoming, or with husbands or boyfriends- I sit here alone. This is completely by choice. There are many great people I could have called up to spend time with. Something I have learned about my self over the last few years is that I AM AN INTROVERT. It was hard at first for me to be comfortable with this fact, but everyday, I embrace it more and more.  Sure, I have always loved people, being with people, being the center of attention, going, doing, playing, dating... but sometimes I simply want to be alone. I thought I was just being anti-social, but no, this is more common than I realized.

I found this blog, which I am enjoying thoroughly, but I would like to focus on this one entry in particular. He, Tyler, the blogger, shares 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It. Brilliant stuff. I feel like I have a few of the rules down, but I will work on the others so that I may possibly squeeze all that I can from my alone time.

I will share the 13 Rules, but to read more about them, and the article in whole, I have posted a link to this article, ENJOY!


The 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It

1.Understand that you are good enough all by yourself.
2. Value others' opinions, but value your own more.
3. Learn to be an observer.
4. Close your eyes in a dark room and appreciate the silence.
5. Learn how to talk to yourself.
6. Cherish every interaction.
7. Rearrange your furniture.
8. Avoid mindless consumption.
9. Create, create, create.
10. Make plans for the future, and pursue them immediately.
11. Go to a movie alone.
12. Pursue an impractical project.
13. Volunteer your time.


The link for the bloggity blog:
http://advancedriskology.com/alone/

Love Songs.

In my humble opinion, these are some of THE GREATEST love songs of all time. Okay, to be fair, that last statement is only my opinion, not a factual claim at all. I am certainly entitled to think so though. They are in no particular order, just randomized. EXCEPT for number one... it IS number one.

1. Thank You by Led Zeppelin.
Okay, besides the sheer fact that I am OBSESSED with Led Zeppelin, this song is absolutely incredible. I would freaking melt if a man (disclaimer: whom I were interested in/loved/had a freakin' school-girl crush on) were to ever sing such heartfelt lyrics to me. AHHH!
"If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you..."
Pure gold.

2. God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.
What female does not want to feel so needed by their man? These harmonious boys won hearts over with this little number using lyrics like: "You'll never need to doubt it, I'll make you so sure about it, God only knows what I'd be without you."

3. All My Loving by The Beatles
"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true. And then while I'm away, I'll write home everyday, and I'll send all my loving to you." Need I say more? I get sappy, little butterflies! Yes, yes, I realize how lame I am.


4. With or Without You by U2
This has been my favorite song of all-time. EVER. For years. (Call Bono a douchebag... I don't care.)
This song is alllllll about love; the pain, the hurt people are willing to go through for love. Sometimes I am not patient, okay, most of the time I am not patient, but this song speaks of patience and love and I find it inspiring.


5. Something by The Beatles
If you do not know why I am choosing this song, do yourself a favor and look up the lyrics. Here, here is a link... gosh, don't act so put-out. http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyrics-beatles.html

6. Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton
Uh, I don't know.. I love this song. I desire to be "wonderful tonight." Plus I can relate to this song because I have long, blonde hair. (worst reasoning ever) Okay, okay, I find it to be cute and sweet. I think I am getting tired.

7. Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers
Get ready to have your heart rocked! "I need your love..." This song is, for lack of better words, adorable.
Also, do yourself a favor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J92UOrZVBmA Be aware U2/Bono haters club.. this is Bono and The Edge performing One/Unchained Melody. The first time I heard it was on a Pandora station while I was running... it stopped me in my tracks when they started into Unchained Melody. Power.

Open Your HEART! You don't have much of a choice.

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." 

- Johnny Depp

Sometimes I would LOVE to just be numb and just not care, seriously! Then I realize it's a gift, not a curse, my ability to love. Sure, it's often inconvenient, but overall I am grateful for the sheer fact that: I care. 
  Most of the time.
     Some of the time? 

Marriage and Freaks.

Yes, I want to get married again. Someday.

People blow my mind sometimes.. I was recently asked if I ever want to get married again. Are you serious? I didn't get a divorce because I hate the idea of marriage. I am 23, a Latter-Day Saint, and a female with unbelievable amounts of love and kindness to share. OF COURSE I WANT TO GET MARRIED AGAIN, just because I am divorced, does not mean that I am anti-marriage. I want to take time to get to know someone, develop a healthy friendship, date a while, enjoy each step of the process... not just jump into something. Sure I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time, does not mean I want a spontaneous marriage.
Let me tell you a story: I love to tell some of my dating relationship stories. Why, you may ask? Because they are unbelievable.
I once met a boy who we will call... Christian. Christian asked me to dinner, he lived in Provo, I lived with my folks at the time so we thought we would meet in Heber. I am driving to Heber, he calls, says he is having car problems and asked if I could drive to Provo, I was almost to Heber so I said, why not? While I am driving to Provo, he is on the phone telling me about his house in Midway and his family, what his parents do, yadda yadda.. Come to find out his dad recently retired from being a very successful orthodontist and his mom owns a MAJOR medical research company in Salt Lake City. I meet Christian at the restaurant of his choosing, he chose Applebee's (anyone who knows me, knows I studied culinary arts and am a HUGE believer in supporting local business, so this is a strike against him, but I was willing to overlook this because not everyone is blessed with great taste in dining). He was a great conversationalist but chose to sit right next to me versus across from me, which I found to be strange. Then he wants dessert first, strange again, but whatever, I am easygoing. The conversation was light and fun, then the bill comes. He gives the server his card, the server returns... the card had been declined. He makes sort of a big deal out of this.
Embarrassing.
In the end, I paid for dinner.
He instantly becomes obsessed with me. We continue talking for a week and he tells me he would like to marry me by the end of the year. Ummmmmmmm.... NO. I told him straight up that there would be no way I would want to marry him or even be ready to marry anyone by the end of the year. (this occurred last august) He proceeds to push things, he'd show up at my folks house, invite himself to go places with us, including my family reunion. AWKWARD. He would come use our boat, which Tanna and I still blame him for our boat's engine blowing up. He was OVERWHELMING. I was sooooo brutally honest in the fact I didn't want to date him, I wasn't going to marry him, and I wasn't interested in him. One day I show up to my house, he had left a candy bar poster... you know... like the kind you would make in high school to ask someone to a dance. "I am a BIG HUNK that would WHATCHAMACALLIT marry you by the end of the year. I would die from SNICKERS..." I felt super weird and uncomfortable. And that isn't what it said, but it was creepy and weird and my family about died from laughter over this. Actually this whole situation. One Sunday he came over after I told him not to (which pisses me off big time, if I say no and you disrespect me... forget it) anyway, he shows up at my folk's house, and I am enraged I freak out on him and yell at him to leave me alone and that I am not interested.
He emails me two or three weeks later... "Brecca, you should probably know that I am now married and I would like it if you would leave me alone."
I never contacted him after that Sunday, what a nutcase.
Anyway, he left a knife and a life vest on our boat, so my mom texts him and tells him he is welcome to come get them. He asked her to mail them to him. She replies and says she can send them to Park City with my sister, but she will not mail them because she isn't going to fork out cash on something she doesn't care about, she said all that more tactfully than that. He proceeds to text my mom and to tell her to keep the stuff because his new wife will buy him new things and that I (me, Brecca) am a slut and that I cheated on him.
And that is that.
Moral of the story:

• Get to know what psychos you go on dates with. 
• I go on dates with some REALLY freaky people.
• I am grateful I wasn't an idiot and married him. (or ever really went on another date with him)

Amen.

Audrey said it best.

Instant Karma

I have been on this John Lennon kick for a couple weeks as of late. Jay shared a neat album with me at work the other day.  

http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Karma-Amnesty-International-Campaign/dp/B000PMG9G2 

"Check it out, I know you're just going to love it, or my name isn't Robert Gouleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet."

Instant Karma's gonna get you

Gonna knock you off your feet

Better recognize your brothers

Every one you meet

Why in the world are we here?

Surely not to live in pain and fear

Why on earth are you there?

When you're everywhere

Come and get your share

Well we all shine on

Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Well we all shine on

Every one, come on 

Gosh, I LOVE John Lennon.
Lyrics: Instant Karma- John Lennon

I've Got Sunshine, On a Cloudy Day!

Sometimes your spirits need lifting. I have several ways I go about doing this for myself:
I keep a happiness journal/sketchbook. Aesthetically: it has failed me, but within it's pages lie bright, sunshiny, happiness. It has several amazing quotes that are designed to make me smile. I shared this technique of maintaining happiness with my late friend Jake. He approached me at work one day as most days, smiling, embracing, telling me he loves my hair, for he was a very happy individual. He then asked me "Brecca, you are always so happy, how do you stay so optimistic?" Coming from him, this was kind of a shock. He mentioned, being at work with happy people helps, but when he leaves work, things change and suddenly things aren't so sunny. I told him things that make me happy: my belief in choosing happiness, how exercise helps, getting out in the sunshine regularly, and about my happiness journal. I would recommend this to anyone. Jake was an incredible individual; extremely intelligent, talented, loving, and happy. I miss seeing him around at work, but my belief is that he may still find that internal happiness he was seeking.
Other things that make me smile: reading kind words other have shared to me about me (because let's be honest, it's nice to make it all about me sometimes!). Side note: I always try to share any kind thoughts or compliments I have about someone, with them, even if they are a complete stranger. I try not to waste such kindness by keeping it to myself while that individual may need it.
And since this is my blog, I am allowed to share these kind words with those who choose to spend time reading these entries.

"I like you Brecca. I like who you are. And spending time with you is time well spent. You are wonderful." 
"I hope you feel better today, you really are beautiful inside and out!!!" -Mom (yes, I am aware she may be biased)
"Ummm why wouldn't they, I mean you are a catch both aesthetically and mentally, who wouldn't want you? Even **** still loves you, the past is the past. People can either take it or leave it, that's how I look at things." 
"I see a  lot of good things about you, I mean you are attractive but you also have a glow about you because of your personality. I have never seen you be mean to anyone and you are always in a super smiley happy mood plus you are smart and articulate which makes being around you all that much better." 
"Ha ha ha you are a such a sport about everything, it is amazing. I love your positive attitude about everything."

These are old, but I've kept them because they made me smile and still make me smile. Save things like this once in a while, because you never know when you'll need a little sunshine when things get dark.

Got Game? And I'm not talking video...

My coworker Scotty once suggested that perhaps I should branch out and date nerds, his words: "A nerd will never mistreat you, plus nerds are typically financially stable, you can't go wrong." Scotty has a physics degree and is now pursuing a computer science degree: nerd. He is wonderful and hilarious and shared this bit of info when I told him of a couple guys I was talking to/dating/interested in dating. Now, many nerds I've stumbled upon are well, socially inept. But then there are those who defy the stereotype, so other challenges I have run across:
Those who talk down to you.
Those who I am in no way physically attracted to.
Those who don't bathe or perform other means of personal hygiene.
Those who rather play Gears of War instead of go on a date with an actual female.
Those who haven't spoke with many females, in turn not knowing HOW to speak to a girl. (I guess this could fall under socially inept)
Those who are only interested in dating via World of Warcraft.


Oh well, I have found myself attracted to one nerd, and he is aware that I am. His move now.

Back in Black.

Soooo... it has been a while. But I am back, and not to talk about my marriage and how life is super wonderful because I have a hot husband and life is full of killer vacations and adventures and whatnot... because it's no longer that way. Here is my current status:

Hi, I am Brecca. I am 23 and divorced. I can't afford vacations, I should be done with my bachelor's degree- but I'm not, I have a crappy, anti-social work schedule; but my life is awesome. I love what I do, who I work with, what I study, who I am. I am able to see the good in my life, it is filled with happiness and beauty and good people. Why? Because life is what we make of it, WE CHOOSE HAPPINESS. I am starting up this new segment of my blog to type raw, honest thoughts and feelings about my life and the experiences I am going through. (Of course there will be randoms of all sorts... let's be honest.)

First matter of business: Feeling Lonely.
Tonight I had a mini-meltdown. Why? Because I felt lonely. Well, duh... I am alone. I looked around and noticed I was the only person in my room, the only person in my house. I like some solitude, I like being left alone oftentimes. But sometimes I just want someone who I can talk with, be 100% honest with, carry deep, meaningful conversation with; I haven't had that as of late. That is one thing I miss about being in a relationship. My meltdown lasted maybe twenty minutes, then I pulled myself up off of the floor and got over it. Because that is how I roll. But all-in-all, I am happy with my current life, all is well and I am greatly blessed. Tomorrow I will find someone to hug and draw positive, human energy from.
Esta bien.