Babies?

I have always been terrified of having children.
Always.

I still am.

In fact, I don't like many kids.

In Utah, when you are Mormon and married, the pressure to have children is incredible. Even now, I am divorced and it still blows people's minds that I didn't bare any kiddos while being married for those 2.75 years. Don't get me wrong, I want a family... eventually. But lately, more than ever, I have had a small, I mean small desire to have a baby, but it's there. Maybe it's because the guy I am kind of dating would be an awesome father? It is weird. It happened when I went to Disneyland in August as well. I guess you could say I am growing up? Maybe. I am not about to run out and have that guy impregnate me. I am really not ready to have children, plus I rather have babies while married- that would be ideal for me. I think I am just... I don't know. Maturing? Starting to look forward to having babies rather than be absolutely scared out of my wits? Meh.. Who knows. It's weird to me, but I guess it's good, but it's even kinda weird to admit these feelings but I had to get it off my chest. I can't be with a guy and speak my mind, because I do, I say most things that cross my mind, and then I would find myself saying something like "Man, it's been weird, but I want a baby." I think he would get the wrong idea.

Wisdom from Trash TV.

"There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us choose to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be. The person you can be does exist, beyond the hard work, faith, belief, and beyond the heartache, and fear of what lies ahead." 

- One Tree Hill 

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path? Will others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward. Or to simply give up. 

- One Tree Hill 

Did I really just quote one of those television shows I will probably never ever watch? I think so.

Moving On.

Some of the best advice I have ever heard wasn't even directed to me, but it is so applicable to my life, as well as everyone else's we should all follow it. That advice is "Get Uncomfortable." So many times I find myself comfortable with what I am doing work-wise, learning-wise, spiritually, physically, my surroundings, who I associate with. And then it strikes me, yes, I am happy, but, I am capable of so much more, and I crave progress and change. Then it is time to get uncomfortable. My sister's boyfriend shared this "motto" with her while serving his mission in Eugene, Oregon. It has made a great impact in my life. I decided to get out of my fabulous work that I loved and enjoyed at the dental office to go back and finish my degree in culinary arts. I knew I was going to take a MASSIVE pay-cut  lose my benefits, I was going to have to move to a new city, I was going to have to pay tuition and start working in an environment I wasn't so pleased with. But I bit the bullet and dove right in, if my former fiance did anything positive to change my life, this was it. He encouraged me to move forward and learn and grow and accomplish the goals I had set for myself years prior. I wish I could have had the same impact on his life, he is an individual who is sitting ultra comfortably in life with no willingness to take a step back to leap forward. He seems to have an incredibly hard time moving on. He has lived in Ogden all but maybe 13 months out of his 33 years, he lives insanely close to his mom, he is struggling moving on past our relationship although it ended at the beginning of July (that was almost five months ago, folks!), he wants to get his PhD. but won't move from Ogden, he limits his career options because he is not willing to move, and he is trying to live as if he were still in college. I am not criticizing him, but I never want to be stuck in a rut like this. I truly hope the best for the guy and that he can find the strength to move forward with his life and not be scared to chase his dreams (except for me, thank you, let go of that dream). Trust me, I have been stuck in my ruts, hell, I still am stuck in a couple, but as long as we are putting forth the effort to move forward and trying hard to overcome. Do you have a dream that you are too scared to fulfill? Well my friend, let us both jump with both feet forward towards our bigger, brighter futures. 

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

 -Scott Peck

Attitude.

"Throughout the years of your life you will face many challenges, remember that you can climb the highest mountain, drive through the roughest storm, soar across the bluest sky, or even sail across the roughest waters. It is only destined by your attitude where you will end up in life." 

-Angela Duvall

LOTR

‎"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken: the crownless again shall be king."

I love this quote, I almost quoted part of it in a talk in church once- true story. I am madly obsessed with The Lord of the Rings and J.R.R. Tolkien, and also throw Peter Jackson in there for putting it together on film. 

I am soooo excited for The Hobbit to hit theaters next month!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I find these words are deep, meaningful, and beautiful. This is easily one of my favorite quotes of all time. 

I wander, but I am not lost; for I am just strengthening my roots.

One more LOTR quote... for the road, or good measure, or just because...

"I wish none of this had happened." 
"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
-Frodo and Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring

2010

2010 was a very difficult year in my life.
I lived far away from family and friends, my ex-husband and I made really poor life choices, my marriage crumbled, I watched my dog get killed, I got disfellowshipped from my church, my (ex)husband asked for a divorce, my parents kinda kicked me out of their house, my brothers left for two years, I didn't get to see my cousin/best friend get married. It was hard. I remember laying on my parent's kitchen floor crying on Christmas because I felt so alone. (It was actually kind of ridiculous)

But one of the best things I have done for myself happened in 2010: 
I bought my hiking boots.

Hiking is obviously one of my favorite pastimes, my friend Peter calls it "marching," (I love that!) and it's also been referred to as "trudging." Today I went hiking, it happened to be a beautiful, November day, the temps were in the high fifties, mid sixties. On my way up the trail, I heard a guy, probably close to my age, shout "What now, bitches?!" from atop the mountain. That is how I feel when I conquer a mountain, I just laughed and smiled, because I can certainly relate to those sentiments. While hiking, I love looking around me and just take in the beauty of the Earth, I feel closer to the Lord, I have a clear mind, vitamin D, exercise, can you say endorphins?! This is my favorite time to think about my life, make future plans or formulate ideas, think about what is currently going on, sort issues out, blow off some steam. Hiking is incredibly healthy, not just for physical reasons, but mental reasons as well. It has helped me in so many ways, sure, my legs are looking good, but I am also learning who I am, my strengths, my weaknesses, my capabilities, it helps me push myself and challenge myself and test my endurance. I am enjoying my solitude, it taught me I am okay to do things on my own, and proves to myself that I can go do the things I want to and love to do without anyone's approval.
I won't forget about the experiences of 2010, but I have forgiven myself for the occurrences that took place, and better yet, I learned a lot from those trials and mistakes. And like a good hike, I am still climbing to a better, more impressive place.
So guess what, if I can conquer a mountain; I can conquer my trials, my temptations, and my vices.
Here is to a better life!

Another thing I miss.

You know what I miss? (Sure, sure, plenty of things)
But this is what I miss right now:

Hosting dinner parties.
I want to host dinner parties. Lots 'n lots of them.

Mental Illness

I can't say I ever judged people with mental illnesses, but I never really took the time to imagine what it would be like to ever have a mental illness. I never really had much of a reason to think too much about it, my immediate family is pretty healthy mentally; and I never thought I had any seriously problems, in fact, I still don't, even though I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. I know, I thought only people who have near-death experiences or those soldiers/veterans who go to war get PTSD.

No worries though, this mental illness is just a piece of who I am, it does not define me. If anything, I want to reach out and help others dealing with issues the eye can't see.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

-Plato

Bucket Lists and whatnot.

When I was younger, I would write tons and tons of bucketlists and lists of goals and stash them under my dresser. I wish I could find them, I would love to see what kind of things were on them. I remember things like "Get a college degree," "Make a quilt," "Get my Young Women's Recognition Award." But I would love to see all the items on these lists. I read over my cousin Celeste's Life List when she shared it on her blog a couple weeks ago, and I was not surprised to find we had many similar items, but it was not without things that make us completely different. I was hesitant to share mine with the world, but, I doubt the world reads this. So, here is my list of things I want to do/learn/see as of May 2012...

• Learn to kayak
• See a musical on Broadway
• Learn conversational Spanish (more than the kitchen Spanglish I know--pleeeeease)
• Build a cabinet or piece of furniture
• Go deep sea fishing
• Take a train trip (there is one my ex and I talked about doing through "Copper Canyon" in Mexico, it's supposedly one of the most scenic train trips in the world, but of course, Europe beckons as well, Switzerland!)
• Learn a musical instrument, ie. the cello. (Sorry 6 years of piano, I have failed you)
• Blow glass
• Finish culinary school (ohhhhh once this semester is oveeeeeeeeeer, FINALLY)
• Complete a Bachelor's degree in something I love 
• Run a race
• Make another quilt
• Take a class on Eastern Religion
• Riverboat Ride on the Mississippi
• Canopy tour a jungle
• Learn a favorite song on the guitar
• Eat clam chowder in New England
• Go sailing
• Certify in scuba
• Provide Christmas for a family in need
• Plant my own garden
• Etch glass
• Become a home owner (it's the American dream, right?)
• Learn to weld
• Go surfing, in the ocean (wake surfed, made me crave more!)
• Visit all 50 states ( I believe I only have around 17, not even half way!)
• Do a session in every Utah temple 
• Visit the Greek Isles
• Try rock climbing/repelling
• See Machu Picchu
• Hone my archery skills
• Visit the top ten art museums in the world
• Try skydiving, base jumping, or bungee jumping (soooo cliche, but it'll get you out of your comfort zone!)
• Take a yoga class
• Learn a dying art
• Adopt a dog
• Go on a humanitarian trip
• Visit Europe
• Start a "Small Eateries and Diners of Utah" blog

Well, I better get busy, or rich, or both.

Regarding Honesty.

I couldn't agree more.

I am finding a geek.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/66795671.html

I am SOLD, I blogged once about dating nerds... but, ohhh it is on!
That article is fabulous as well. Read it.