To Thine Own Self Be True... And to others also.

I am learning why some folks are so bitter and angry. People are jerks. Most everyone has a little bit of douche-baggery inside of them. I can certainly admit that I do. But here is something,
I love this: Tell someone you like them.
In turn, they play with your emotions and use your feelings to their advantage. Oh wait, I don't think ANYONE likes that.
People, let's be honest with ourselves and others. If you have no intention of dating them, perhaps it's best to let them know and let them go. Because no one likes being used. (well, there are always exceptions to the rule)
I have had to do this more than I would like, but I seem to attract many people I wouldn't consider dating seriously. Rude? Maybe, but I am just saying what everyone else is feeling. It's not easy to tell someone you are not interested, but it must be done. Let us all open up our most honest lines of communication with one another.

And as for being used, let us refer to the old saying...
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're an ass."

Or something along those lines.. Smile on, world and let your hearts be filled with kindness despite how other people may not appreciate you for the kind, loving person you are. There are others who will actually appreciate such a trait.

Girl Noise.

I love my life. I hate accounting.
I have a really hard time making myself do accounting homework. But you know what is awesome? No, and I am sure you are just dying to find out. Just kidding. My friend, the ice cream-kisser, and I went to the movies last night. He has made an effort to see me three times this week (not counting the random run-ins on campus- because those require zero effort). This is awesome, because I realllllly enjoy his company. Right now he is in California because he is playing football against U.C. Davis tomorrow, so I don't get to see him until Sunday. I called my mom the other day to tell her of this newest interest, she is happy for me and is glad I am going out on dates with a large variety of guys. Yes, I of course have my favorites... buuuuut, if you can try them all while single, why wouldn't you? For having such an anti-social work schedule, I have managed to go on several dates this week. I have another "date" tonight, which will be stellar, it is with a great friend whom of which enjoys classic rock as much as I do. We met five years ago down at UVSC, I stole his roommate's Led Zeppelin poster, we have been friends since. I have tickets to the Australian Pink Floyd show tonight at USANA amphitheater so I invited him (this may or may not be the fourth time I have seen this show--- oh wait, it is. I LOVE IT.) Wow, this is such girl-chatter, there is no point, no subject, no sense. I just am happy, and dating a lot? Which is good. Yes. Yes, this is good.

Well, back to the 7 massive assignments I have due by Monday for one, single accounting class.

Factoid.

I saw my friend last night, we kissed over ice cream at Baskin Robbins. Did you know Barack and Michelle Obama shared their first kiss at Baskin Robbins? ...if you watched The View today, you would know that.

Keep Pushin'

I hate when I work super hard on something only to throw it away in ten minutes time.
Well, back at it. I WILL triumph.

On the positive side: leaves are changing, the mountains are gorgeous. I should go for a drive. The weather is cooling down: I absolutely love fall.
Last year I went on an incredible drive with my friend Chris, who lives in Alaska. We drove up to Smith and Morehouse with the convertible top down, singing along to John Denver. It was amazing.
I need a little bit of that.

Practice what you preach.

Ugggggggggh. Sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite.
I am letting people dictate my emotions, and why? I do not know. People are jerks, be open and honest with one another. Pleeeeeease. Especially when emotions are involved. I try to always be honest with how I feel, think, act but sometimes, I find I am not being honest. Especially with myself.

I want to punch a subwoofer and release the rage!* Or watch Sleepless in Seattle and allow myself to express emotion by tears. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh. I really should just paint, that would be both constructive and healthy.
If you are going to be in my life- be honest and forward, dammit! I would much rather someone tell me straight to my face that they aren't interested rather than toy with emotions or ignore me. Emotions are not playthings.





*I once punched (or maybe I kicked it- I can't remember) a subwoofer.
It. Was. Incredible.
I felt actual relief after doing so.

Being Alone.

Tonight, I am alone. While many of my peers are at parties, at Homecoming, or with husbands or boyfriends- I sit here alone. This is completely by choice. There are many great people I could have called up to spend time with. Something I have learned about my self over the last few years is that I AM AN INTROVERT. It was hard at first for me to be comfortable with this fact, but everyday, I embrace it more and more.  Sure, I have always loved people, being with people, being the center of attention, going, doing, playing, dating... but sometimes I simply want to be alone. I thought I was just being anti-social, but no, this is more common than I realized.

I found this blog, which I am enjoying thoroughly, but I would like to focus on this one entry in particular. He, Tyler, the blogger, shares 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It. Brilliant stuff. I feel like I have a few of the rules down, but I will work on the others so that I may possibly squeeze all that I can from my alone time.

I will share the 13 Rules, but to read more about them, and the article in whole, I have posted a link to this article, ENJOY!


The 13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It

1.Understand that you are good enough all by yourself.
2. Value others' opinions, but value your own more.
3. Learn to be an observer.
4. Close your eyes in a dark room and appreciate the silence.
5. Learn how to talk to yourself.
6. Cherish every interaction.
7. Rearrange your furniture.
8. Avoid mindless consumption.
9. Create, create, create.
10. Make plans for the future, and pursue them immediately.
11. Go to a movie alone.
12. Pursue an impractical project.
13. Volunteer your time.


The link for the bloggity blog:
http://advancedriskology.com/alone/

Love Songs.

In my humble opinion, these are some of THE GREATEST love songs of all time. Okay, to be fair, that last statement is only my opinion, not a factual claim at all. I am certainly entitled to think so though. They are in no particular order, just randomized. EXCEPT for number one... it IS number one.

1. Thank You by Led Zeppelin.
Okay, besides the sheer fact that I am OBSESSED with Led Zeppelin, this song is absolutely incredible. I would freaking melt if a man (disclaimer: whom I were interested in/loved/had a freakin' school-girl crush on) were to ever sing such heartfelt lyrics to me. AHHH!
"If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you..."
Pure gold.

2. God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.
What female does not want to feel so needed by their man? These harmonious boys won hearts over with this little number using lyrics like: "You'll never need to doubt it, I'll make you so sure about it, God only knows what I'd be without you."

3. All My Loving by The Beatles
"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true. And then while I'm away, I'll write home everyday, and I'll send all my loving to you." Need I say more? I get sappy, little butterflies! Yes, yes, I realize how lame I am.


4. With or Without You by U2
This has been my favorite song of all-time. EVER. For years. (Call Bono a douchebag... I don't care.)
This song is alllllll about love; the pain, the hurt people are willing to go through for love. Sometimes I am not patient, okay, most of the time I am not patient, but this song speaks of patience and love and I find it inspiring.


5. Something by The Beatles
If you do not know why I am choosing this song, do yourself a favor and look up the lyrics. Here, here is a link... gosh, don't act so put-out. http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyrics-beatles.html

6. Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton
Uh, I don't know.. I love this song. I desire to be "wonderful tonight." Plus I can relate to this song because I have long, blonde hair. (worst reasoning ever) Okay, okay, I find it to be cute and sweet. I think I am getting tired.

7. Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers
Get ready to have your heart rocked! "I need your love..." This song is, for lack of better words, adorable.
Also, do yourself a favor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J92UOrZVBmA Be aware U2/Bono haters club.. this is Bono and The Edge performing One/Unchained Melody. The first time I heard it was on a Pandora station while I was running... it stopped me in my tracks when they started into Unchained Melody. Power.

Open Your HEART! You don't have much of a choice.

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel." 

- Johnny Depp

Sometimes I would LOVE to just be numb and just not care, seriously! Then I realize it's a gift, not a curse, my ability to love. Sure, it's often inconvenient, but overall I am grateful for the sheer fact that: I care. 
  Most of the time.
     Some of the time? 

Marriage and Freaks.

Yes, I want to get married again. Someday.

People blow my mind sometimes.. I was recently asked if I ever want to get married again. Are you serious? I didn't get a divorce because I hate the idea of marriage. I am 23, a Latter-Day Saint, and a female with unbelievable amounts of love and kindness to share. OF COURSE I WANT TO GET MARRIED AGAIN, just because I am divorced, does not mean that I am anti-marriage. I want to take time to get to know someone, develop a healthy friendship, date a while, enjoy each step of the process... not just jump into something. Sure I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time, does not mean I want a spontaneous marriage.
Let me tell you a story: I love to tell some of my dating relationship stories. Why, you may ask? Because they are unbelievable.
I once met a boy who we will call... Christian. Christian asked me to dinner, he lived in Provo, I lived with my folks at the time so we thought we would meet in Heber. I am driving to Heber, he calls, says he is having car problems and asked if I could drive to Provo, I was almost to Heber so I said, why not? While I am driving to Provo, he is on the phone telling me about his house in Midway and his family, what his parents do, yadda yadda.. Come to find out his dad recently retired from being a very successful orthodontist and his mom owns a MAJOR medical research company in Salt Lake City. I meet Christian at the restaurant of his choosing, he chose Applebee's (anyone who knows me, knows I studied culinary arts and am a HUGE believer in supporting local business, so this is a strike against him, but I was willing to overlook this because not everyone is blessed with great taste in dining). He was a great conversationalist but chose to sit right next to me versus across from me, which I found to be strange. Then he wants dessert first, strange again, but whatever, I am easygoing. The conversation was light and fun, then the bill comes. He gives the server his card, the server returns... the card had been declined. He makes sort of a big deal out of this.
Embarrassing.
In the end, I paid for dinner.
He instantly becomes obsessed with me. We continue talking for a week and he tells me he would like to marry me by the end of the year. Ummmmmmmm.... NO. I told him straight up that there would be no way I would want to marry him or even be ready to marry anyone by the end of the year. (this occurred last august) He proceeds to push things, he'd show up at my folks house, invite himself to go places with us, including my family reunion. AWKWARD. He would come use our boat, which Tanna and I still blame him for our boat's engine blowing up. He was OVERWHELMING. I was sooooo brutally honest in the fact I didn't want to date him, I wasn't going to marry him, and I wasn't interested in him. One day I show up to my house, he had left a candy bar poster... you know... like the kind you would make in high school to ask someone to a dance. "I am a BIG HUNK that would WHATCHAMACALLIT marry you by the end of the year. I would die from SNICKERS..." I felt super weird and uncomfortable. And that isn't what it said, but it was creepy and weird and my family about died from laughter over this. Actually this whole situation. One Sunday he came over after I told him not to (which pisses me off big time, if I say no and you disrespect me... forget it) anyway, he shows up at my folk's house, and I am enraged I freak out on him and yell at him to leave me alone and that I am not interested.
He emails me two or three weeks later... "Brecca, you should probably know that I am now married and I would like it if you would leave me alone."
I never contacted him after that Sunday, what a nutcase.
Anyway, he left a knife and a life vest on our boat, so my mom texts him and tells him he is welcome to come get them. He asked her to mail them to him. She replies and says she can send them to Park City with my sister, but she will not mail them because she isn't going to fork out cash on something she doesn't care about, she said all that more tactfully than that. He proceeds to text my mom and to tell her to keep the stuff because his new wife will buy him new things and that I (me, Brecca) am a slut and that I cheated on him.
And that is that.
Moral of the story:

• Get to know what psychos you go on dates with. 
• I go on dates with some REALLY freaky people.
• I am grateful I wasn't an idiot and married him. (or ever really went on another date with him)

Amen.

Audrey said it best.

Instant Karma

I have been on this John Lennon kick for a couple weeks as of late. Jay shared a neat album with me at work the other day.  

http://www.amazon.com/Instant-Karma-Amnesty-International-Campaign/dp/B000PMG9G2 

"Check it out, I know you're just going to love it, or my name isn't Robert Gouleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet."

Instant Karma's gonna get you

Gonna knock you off your feet

Better recognize your brothers

Every one you meet

Why in the world are we here?

Surely not to live in pain and fear

Why on earth are you there?

When you're everywhere

Come and get your share

Well we all shine on

Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Well we all shine on

Every one, come on 

Gosh, I LOVE John Lennon.
Lyrics: Instant Karma- John Lennon

I've Got Sunshine, On a Cloudy Day!

Sometimes your spirits need lifting. I have several ways I go about doing this for myself:
I keep a happiness journal/sketchbook. Aesthetically: it has failed me, but within it's pages lie bright, sunshiny, happiness. It has several amazing quotes that are designed to make me smile. I shared this technique of maintaining happiness with my late friend Jake. He approached me at work one day as most days, smiling, embracing, telling me he loves my hair, for he was a very happy individual. He then asked me "Brecca, you are always so happy, how do you stay so optimistic?" Coming from him, this was kind of a shock. He mentioned, being at work with happy people helps, but when he leaves work, things change and suddenly things aren't so sunny. I told him things that make me happy: my belief in choosing happiness, how exercise helps, getting out in the sunshine regularly, and about my happiness journal. I would recommend this to anyone. Jake was an incredible individual; extremely intelligent, talented, loving, and happy. I miss seeing him around at work, but my belief is that he may still find that internal happiness he was seeking.
Other things that make me smile: reading kind words other have shared to me about me (because let's be honest, it's nice to make it all about me sometimes!). Side note: I always try to share any kind thoughts or compliments I have about someone, with them, even if they are a complete stranger. I try not to waste such kindness by keeping it to myself while that individual may need it.
And since this is my blog, I am allowed to share these kind words with those who choose to spend time reading these entries.

"I like you Brecca. I like who you are. And spending time with you is time well spent. You are wonderful." 
"I hope you feel better today, you really are beautiful inside and out!!!" -Mom (yes, I am aware she may be biased)
"Ummm why wouldn't they, I mean you are a catch both aesthetically and mentally, who wouldn't want you? Even **** still loves you, the past is the past. People can either take it or leave it, that's how I look at things." 
"I see a  lot of good things about you, I mean you are attractive but you also have a glow about you because of your personality. I have never seen you be mean to anyone and you are always in a super smiley happy mood plus you are smart and articulate which makes being around you all that much better." 
"Ha ha ha you are a such a sport about everything, it is amazing. I love your positive attitude about everything."

These are old, but I've kept them because they made me smile and still make me smile. Save things like this once in a while, because you never know when you'll need a little sunshine when things get dark.

Got Game? And I'm not talking video...

My coworker Scotty once suggested that perhaps I should branch out and date nerds, his words: "A nerd will never mistreat you, plus nerds are typically financially stable, you can't go wrong." Scotty has a physics degree and is now pursuing a computer science degree: nerd. He is wonderful and hilarious and shared this bit of info when I told him of a couple guys I was talking to/dating/interested in dating. Now, many nerds I've stumbled upon are well, socially inept. But then there are those who defy the stereotype, so other challenges I have run across:
Those who talk down to you.
Those who I am in no way physically attracted to.
Those who don't bathe or perform other means of personal hygiene.
Those who rather play Gears of War instead of go on a date with an actual female.
Those who haven't spoke with many females, in turn not knowing HOW to speak to a girl. (I guess this could fall under socially inept)
Those who are only interested in dating via World of Warcraft.


Oh well, I have found myself attracted to one nerd, and he is aware that I am. His move now.

Back in Black.

Soooo... it has been a while. But I am back, and not to talk about my marriage and how life is super wonderful because I have a hot husband and life is full of killer vacations and adventures and whatnot... because it's no longer that way. Here is my current status:

Hi, I am Brecca. I am 23 and divorced. I can't afford vacations, I should be done with my bachelor's degree- but I'm not, I have a crappy, anti-social work schedule; but my life is awesome. I love what I do, who I work with, what I study, who I am. I am able to see the good in my life, it is filled with happiness and beauty and good people. Why? Because life is what we make of it, WE CHOOSE HAPPINESS. I am starting up this new segment of my blog to type raw, honest thoughts and feelings about my life and the experiences I am going through. (Of course there will be randoms of all sorts... let's be honest.)

First matter of business: Feeling Lonely.
Tonight I had a mini-meltdown. Why? Because I felt lonely. Well, duh... I am alone. I looked around and noticed I was the only person in my room, the only person in my house. I like some solitude, I like being left alone oftentimes. But sometimes I just want someone who I can talk with, be 100% honest with, carry deep, meaningful conversation with; I haven't had that as of late. That is one thing I miss about being in a relationship. My meltdown lasted maybe twenty minutes, then I pulled myself up off of the floor and got over it. Because that is how I roll. But all-in-all, I am happy with my current life, all is well and I am greatly blessed. Tomorrow I will find someone to hug and draw positive, human energy from.
Esta bien.